well today was good! i went shoppin as you know in destin. i spent $100 but i got a lot of stuff, so it's ok. wet seal was having a huge buy one get one free sale. and normally it's the stuff no one wants, but it was good stuff man! so i spent $50 in there and i want to go back to get more cuz the deals were so good. i didn't really get ot do all the shopping i wanted to do b/c we had to be home at a certain time and it was the last store we went into for the day. then i did the usual abercrombie thing and got a skirt for $10! it was orrigonally $60. it was only suppose to be 50% off, so i think the guy made a mistake when he rang it up cuz it was not suppose to be only 10. but of course i didn't ask questions.. who would??? i got some other stuff too, but ur prly tired of listening to what i bought.. blah blah blah, right?

tonite i went to dinner w/ my aunt and that was really nice. she told me some stuff that was going on in her life and i did the same. mainly about the whole deciding where i want to stay for my senior year. she said to not worry about the sad part of everything and to do what will make me the happiest, and the place i will have the most fun for my senior year. which is true. after that i can go wherever i want. i think that is the best advice i've gotten on that subject in a long time. i love her!!! oh!!! and another thing i found out is that she got a bran new van when she got her liscense with a custom paint job and sterio... then she wrecked it and her parents bought her a new one!!! and she won't even HELP me pay for a car! she won't even let me use hers unless i do something for her in return! she is such a bitch!  she makes it sound like she had i rough growing up and i found out that she was the most spoiled and got the best nicest stuff all the time growing up. that makes me sick. i am sooo having a talk with her about that the next time i talk to her on the phone!!!!

well i love u all and thank you katie for taking me to destin and dealing with my shopping obsession!!!! i had fun!!!

hey there..

well today i went through some MAJOR  depression... i havn't felt this depressed in a looonnngg time... not since i was suicidal my freshmen and part of my sophomore year. i talked to my grandma about it a little bit and she thinks i need therapy. but she didn't mean it in a bad way... i think she is seriously worried about me. she says i shoud tell my mom that we need family therapy too. there is some major shit i think we all need to talk about... especially on all the mental damage jason has put not only me, but pretty much everyone through. i think he is the reason why i don't feel comfortable talking to people about my problems a lot. i don't know how to. i should be able to talk to people in my family about how i really feel sometimes, but i can't. the only person i can really let everything out to is my best friend ashley. well i think pretty much everyone feels like pouring out their problems out to her though. i'm really hoping i'll still be accepted in to their little "beaner three muskateers" that's starting to make me depressed again, considering i'm not close to a beaner, plus with me there will be 4.. not 3. it's weird. one little thing like that will make me sad and then i'll be depressed all over again...

on a slightly happier note... tomorrow i'm going to go shopping in destin. that's an hour away from here and i guess they have great places to shop. so that should be fun... i hope.

well that's all for now... i'm fat, ugly, and sick of my life!

ok.. so much for updating everyday! it's been a week, sry! ok so finally there are only 6 days till i fly off to florida and then california for my summer journey to begin! i love traveling! there's just something about flying places that makes u feel important no matter where ur going, but when u do get to go to that occasional "cool" place or state... don't lie, u know u feel like the shit! haha jk! but anyways... i don't know what i'm going to do for luggage yet. my dad i don't think has very much, and i'm the kind of girl that needs AT LEAST 2 of the really big suit cases. sad i know... but i can't help it. i have to bring everything... even that shirt i havn't worn in 3 yrs b/c u never know when you'll need it. maybe i should get some help with that. omg!!!!!!!!!!! i am so going to kill my little sister. she is the most annoying person on the face of this earth. i hate her with all i have to hate. even when i try to be nice, she has something negative to do or say that just tell me to fuck it and not even try having a realationship with her at all. i swear if she fell off the face of this earth i honestly don't think i would shed a tear that's how much i despise her.

oh well what can u do???

i'm so confused right now. i don't know whether i want to come back to iowa, or stay in california. i guess i should make a pro-con list for both and go from there. but i don't know how to tell my dad about what i'm thinking. in the very beginning i told him i just wanted to finish out this year and see whether i wanted to spend my senior year here or in california. but i think he put that idea out of his head a long time ago. should i tell him before i leave, (which is only a week away) or decide when i get there and tell him over the phone if i'm not coming back? i think letting him know what i'm thinking before i leave would be the nicer thing to do, but i'm not sure. and if i do wind up staying, how am i gunna ship all my stuff back? i don't want to have my dad do all of it, but i don't want to have to make one of my parents pay for another plane ticket either. ahhh! i hate this situation that i'm in right now!!!!!!!!!!!!!